I was in Anna. Her burning eyes, her sensual lips twitched. We were at the strategic point where spasms replace words, where pleasure embraces reason. She stared at me with her beast eyes, hungry for sex. I was feeling everything, seeing everything, understand everything, like an epileptic in a phase of extreme lucidity. Whether that mole just above her right nipple, her left breast slightly heavier or her ass, so firm and rounded. Finally, her eyes spoke to me, they said “give me more, don’t stop, never, remain there for eternity. ”
How long would I have you Anna? Before you too will decide not to come back in this room. When you’ll no longer stand my mood swings, my short-term projects, my ambiguous relationship with women. How long before you’ll open your eyes on that anything we represent? When that look will eventually sicken me? Everything is a matter of minutes with me. I live my relationships as I take you Anna. I can control myself, take pleasure, you are enjoying and basta …
The lights under the doorways were lit one by one. Far away, we could hear cars passing, repetitive rhythm perfectly timed. The wind caressed my face, my clothes floating merrily.
I was against the edge of my balcony, the leaves of the maple in the park swayed gently, first left, then right. I always preferred the whisper of leaves to the sound of waves. Such asweet melody. I loved to find myself here, it was the only place where I could think of nothing, I was content to watch this grasping show, listen to that siren and watch those lights lighten one by one under porches. It all seemed so true, not like this composition with Anna, and we were only two actors reciting their lines with a distressing virtuosity. I cherished nature for this reason, she never lied to me.
Nothing more intimate than making love to a woman. Make love, kiss, fuck, whatever the word that we can choose to assign to this masquerade. I had the feeling of living nothing else but relationships in gradual decline.
I went back inside. Anna was led in bed, she had not noticed my presence or pretended to ignore it. She seemed dead, devoid of humanity, completely empty. I stood there staring at her body for a few minutes. I liked the color of her skin, a pink so pure. I do not know if I wanted to approach her or not.
“Your packaging Anna, as always, is what first attracted me. I immediately wanted to grab those breasts, bite those lips as soon as I saw them. I put you above all, found qualities you did not evenpossess. You were the prettiest, most glimmering, nothing and no one could match you. I fought for you and you relented. That first night together, so grand, and then all those that followed.
Until one day I woke up and I finally found you dead, as now, completely gray. Today, I do not know if I like your mouth, your breasts, your ass, if I enjoy your company or not. I feel bored with you for all you confess. Once again it blew up in my face. The excitement still prevailed over everything else. I even wondered whether if to get out, I had to fall in love with the woman I would never get. I would still imagine her perfect and would never let myself be overwhelmed by what I feel now, this awful feeling of disappointment, of déjà vu, of banality.
That said, I am convinced that the disillusion is shared Anna. I always saw you barely listening to me when I tell you all my stories. You never find anything to say, it does not interest you, you just don’t ask yourself all those questions. I know you are not asleep Anna, you are pretending, you just don’t want to talk to me. You are using me, you can admit it, I won’t mind, I am doing it too. You just want what you had a few minutes ago, it’s the only time you feel fulfilled, when I see the fire in your eyes. When you can’t find the words and I stop thinking. When we let our bodies express themselves, the only thing we always succeed at perfectly.
You know what ? We are only waiting Anna that’s all! We sit side by side on the same platform, just like two idiots but there is no shame in that, millions of people do it too. We linger quietly until someone better comes along to free us from one another. I hope you’ll find that one who’ll make you really vibrate, who’ll carry you where I’ve never been able to take you. Because of lack of desire, passion or love. You’re a nice girl Anna.
I laid down beside her, on my side of the bed. Anna had not moved. I knew the scene by heart. Tomorrow she will get up, take a shower, I will look at her put on her underwear left on the sofa, just to my right. Then, she will come close to me, will give me that indefinable smile, the same as yesterday, I’ll smile back. She will approach to kiss me, I’ll inhale her fragrance, pass my hand through her hair, give her all the affection I still have left before closing my eyes.
The door had slammed shut.
A big thank you to Caroline for the re-reading.